Tags: #notes
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Love lectures

Def of love: Willing good and acting for the good of the other person

Myths

• Definition: Something that a lot of people believe, but isn't true

Myth 1

• Love is a feeling you fall in to
• It is an exciting emotion
• No control over it
• If love was only Passion, this would have a small amount of truth.
  • If we stop loving someone, we didn't "fall" out of love, we chose love
  • Passion is partly under our control
  • Intimacy and commitment are completely under our control
  • Love isn't a feeling we fall into, its a perspective we take
• Why is US Divorce rate so high?
  • Most chose who to marry based on what matters short-term instead of long-term
  • Sternberg surveyed married couples:
    • Have the 3 components become more or less important
    • Passion had become less important
    • Intimacy and commitment had become more important

Myth 2

• Love conquers all
• If you love someone, nothing else matters-- not behavior, beliefs, or character
• Choose wisely when marrying
  • Capable of a healthy intimate relationship
    • requires reasonably psychologically healthy and having good character.
  • "Don't throw your pearls to swine"
    • Your love is a priceless treasure you can give to someone. Do not throw it away on someone who won't appreciate it.
  • Don't have a missionary marriage: Marrying someone to rescue them
  • Marry someone you admire, not you think you can fix
  • Similar to self
    • what Specific qualities have become more important
      • "sharing the same religious beliefs"
        • Major religions have contradictions
      • Same priorities
      • Someone whose flaws you can deal with graciously

Myth 3

• Love is about finding the right person
• Take your time
• Intimacy takes time
• Everyone can be "nice" for a while
• Love is less about finding the right person and more about being the right person
  • Discover your identity (Who are you? What's important in life?)
  • Difference between loving someone and clinging to them
  • Getting married does not make you an adult. You need to become a mature adult before you marry.
  • Both dependent and independent extremes are harmful
  • Interdependency is the healthy balance
• Learn to be happy now
  • If you are miserable, getting married wont make you happy
• How to be happy now?
  • Practice gratitude
  • Good friends, mentors
  • Focus on how you see your circs, not the circs themselves
  • Seek help from a counselor
• Practice Loving
  • Love the people who are in your life right now
  • Love is not energy to be conserved, it is like a muscle that we develop through use.
• Deal with your issues
  • Seek healing, counseling. Let go of the past

Myth 4

• If you love each other, you will automatically live happily ever after
• Guaranteed
• Love requires work!
• Sternberg survey: What became more important over time?
  • Be willing to change in response to each other
    • Marriage is NOT 50/50 it is each spouse giving 115%
    • You are both on the same team, not one wins or the other
    • See conflict as an opportunity to show your spouse how much you love him or her.
  • Work at being nice to eachother
    • Respect, praise, kindness, tell your spouse why you're proud of em

Tripartite Theory of Love

• Robert Sternberg
• Tripartite: 3 parts (components)

1. Passion:

• An intense longing to be with the other person
• Emotional High
• Can refer to sexual attraction but more than that
• Many people think love is only about love
• If that's true, relationships wont last
• Passion Fades
• Intense passion is temporary
• Unrealistic Expectations
• Human beings aren't biologically design to have intense emotion all of the time
• Passion drops, people think they aren't in love, new relationship causes intense excitement. This is a cycle.
• Sternberg says these people love the emotion not the person.
• Rather than a slope, a relationship can be ups and downs. (rather than just down)

2. Intimacy

• Strong, close connection.
• Warmth
• Mutual
  • Caring
  • Respect
  • Valuing
  • Support
• It takes time
• Its risky because you have to let other people know the REAL you
• How to develop intimacy?
  • Be wise- take baby steps

3. Commitment

• Decision to be in and stay in the relationship
• Couples stay married to stay married
• Its not a feeling, it is a choice that we live out